Authored by Alana C. Smith, L.C.S.W., L.C.D.C.

Seeing a person in the context of their nuclear and multigenerational family illuminates predicable patterns of thinking, feeling and relating that is the crux of Bowen Family Systems Theory. Bowen Family Systems Theory elucidates the immeasurable power of thinking systems in the evaluation of symptoms an individual is experiencing. Dr. Bowen began to see in the early 1970’s that thinking systems was not only applicable to the lives of families, but was also relevant in application to society as a whole.

Of interest to me has been seeing the Societal Emotional Process of the impact of certain words that form our modern-day lexicon. Social media influencers and mental health public figures have used and introduced such words/labels as “toxic”, “boundaries”, and “codependent”, to name a few. Efforts in my own life, and in my work with clients, are to support thinking amidst the automatic process of adopting such beliefs as interpreted in society, namely in pop-culture.

In 1995 a Los Angeles PhD released the book; “Toxic Men: 10 Ways to Identify, Deal With, and Heal from the Men Who Make Your Life Miserable”. The author, Dr Lillian Glass credits herself as introducing the concept of “toxic” to describe certain relationships. Through the lens of Bowen theory, this labeling is the epitome of cause and effect thinking, and thereby ignores the scientific view of relationships as reciprocal. In 2003, Brittney Spears released her chart-topping hit, “Toxic”. This song was in the top charts for over 300 weeks. In 2018, Oxford dictionary’s word of the year was “toxic”.

Dr. Robert Noone remarked recently in the CFC training on Societal Emotional Process that; “With the process of increasing interdependence on each other, there are new levels of complexity in attempts to regulate ourselves”. With a staggering majority of persons on social media turning to pop-culture for answers to their mental health and relationship challenges, many complexities stand to emerge. I see these complexities primarily in the effort to self-differentiate, to think for oneself amidst myriad pressures and influences within today’s society.

Over the last several years in my practice I’ve paid more attention to client’s usage of such words as “toxic” and “narcissistic”. I’ve given more effort to working to get clients thinking about what they actually believe these descriptions mean, and most importantly how they influence how they relate to persons in their family. This effort to get clients thinking in order to spur self-differentiation, both within the societal emotional process as well as the family emotional process, has been the single most effective approach in my work with clients. Differentiation of Self, a key tenant of Bowen Family Systems Theory describes the effort of a person to lower their anxiety, think for themself, hold onto their sense of self and make principle-based decisions. In generating thinking with clients, important self-awareness and relational awareness is generated that ultimately lowers their anxiety, and significantly improves their reported sense of well-being and capacity to stay in contact with important others.

The societal emotional process plays a powerful role in influencing and shaping thinking. Differentiation of self, and perhaps the stability of one’s mental health, hinges greatly on one’s ability to discern (differentiate) their own thoughts and principles amidst pressures within their family and the society at large (societal emotional process). In my practice it is clear that the present day societal emotional process is reinforcing a belief that it is “healthy” for people to distance and cutoff from their “toxic” family members in an effort to “keep themselves safe” from “getting triggered”. This “staying away”, what Bowen Theory describes as distancing and ultimately cutting off, works in the short term to alleviate anxiety, however in the long run can be problematic. Clients of mine report that even after months of no contact with “toxic” family members they are still anxious and cannot get out of their heads their preoccupation with their anger and hurt towards their family member. The moves to label others, and then more reactively distance oneself seems to reinforce one’s inability to face and work through relationship challenges.

In a recent session with a male client, a father of 3 adult children and a wife living years with Multiple Sclerosis, he described his efforts towards self-differentiation. He identified stressors and challenges to navigate care for his wife (physically, mentally, emotionally), while experiencing his in-laws doubting his decision-making and seemingly “undermining” him. With his consent I quote his reflections:

I’m realizing that my labeling them as abusive and toxic was more about my own fear of my emotions; specifically, my anxiety and anger. I’m realizing that labeling them as abusive is an easy out, and it’s a trap. I don’t have to look at what is driving the feelings that I’m feeling. It’s not to minimize my feelings…I’m having to feel through my feelings of feeling de-authorized in my responsibilities to my family. As I steady myself, I realize that what I’m experiencing emotionally doesn’t necessarily equate with their intentions or motives. They’re anxious and so am I. I’m left with a really good feeling of calm that I’m the only one who can “authorize myself”. This is my work to do. I can let my in-laws be where they are. I realize that the biggest challenges I face are within me. It’s about me working on being less reactive, less emotionally aggressive, and not going into the “trying to get a one-up on others”. It’s my work to reframe what is actually going on. The net result is that I’m more peaceful, centered, and have less anxiety with less anticipatory stress.

Bowen theory views self-differentiation as the ongoing effort to bring more of one’s higher cortical thinking brain online, rather than to be in the automatic of one’s emotional brain. Distancing oneself or reacting to family members we have labeled is an automatic, emotional process. Differentiation of self is the effort to think more broadly about what might be going on contextually (factually and non-judgmentally) with a family member’s handling of their anxiety. Calling on one’s own abilities and fortitude to be present in anxious situations improves one’s ability to handle one’s own anxieties and reactivity (judgement of others or projecting judgement).

To go further to see how trends in society might differ from one’s own well-sought out clarity about perceptions, and to be present in challenging circumstances, is the effort of differentiating self in the ever-present societal emotional process. It takes great effort, courage and willingness to begin to question the automatic societal beliefs, investigate one’s own beliefs, and show up in relationships present and accounted for. Thinking for oneself, and persisting in differentiation of self, amidst family emotional process and the societal emotional process, is arguably the crux of pursuing mental health, and encompasses meaningful efforts each of us can take individually towards more peace in our world.