Authored by Caitlin Baldauff, M.A., L.P.C.

This June I gave birth to my second child, Jacob. My oldest, Corbin, is three years old. Brian and I anticipated a season full of stress, “big feelings” and regression as we adjusted to a new family norm. We forecasted challenges and made adjustments intended to prepare Corbin for the addition to our family. I reflected on my emotional responses from having our first to prepare myself. We are three months in, and it has been a whirlwind of experiences.

Officially being past the newborn stage, I have decided to write about these first three months using Bowen theory to describe what I have observed, and how our family is adjusting. The anticipated stress, “big feelings,” and regression was on point, not just for Corbin, but for me as well. I’ll start at the beginning.

Challenges Anticipated

Brian and I were excited to have a June due date because Brian, a professor, does not teach over the summer. Having him home and available for my maternity leave eased some anxiety in both of us. Besides both desiring to be at home bonding with our newest arrival, neither of us have family in Wisconsin. That does not mean that our extended family was not available. Even with more than one thousand miles between us, having contact with our parents eased some of the anxiety of this transition. The physical distance did mean that the practical support would have to come from elsewhere. And it did, our friends and church community stepped up for us.

One challenge we expected was Corbin adjusting to me being less available. We wanted to prepare Corbin to be comfortable with either parent stepping in. Bowen theory’s view on human development is the process of differentiation. A child begins in a fully symbiotic attachment with mother and works toward separating. As a child separates and becomes their own individual, there can be more energy to explore the world and learn as much about others (like fathers) as the child knows about their mother (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). Our question was, ‘How do we support this?’

Weaning is a natural part of childhood for children who are nursed. At two, Corbin was nursing at wake ups and sleeps (naptime and bedtime). This meant that I predominantly helped him fall asleep. With my supply dwindling during pregnancy, I used this as an opportunity to talk with him about weaning. By the end of my second trimester, I was no longer producing milk. He took this last stage of weaning surprisingly well. No longer nursing to sleep, we began to alternate who does naptime/bedtime. Corbin’s preferences eventually reduced. (And now switched. He prefers Brian!)

At this point, before Jacob, anxiety remained manageable. Brian and I still had quality contact with each other, each of us had one to one time with Corbin, and Corbin was embracing Brian’s increasing involvement. It was after Jacob, managing became challenging. Bowen theory postulates that, rather than the event, the major stress experience is more related to the disturbance in the balance of emotional forces in a family (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). The comfortable contact we created had to adjust to make space for an adorable needy new life. Under times of stress a person’s energy becomes more directed toward others with the sense (real or perceived) that there is not enough or too much involvement.

Bowen Theory in Action

Growing up, one way I learned to function in my family was by being self-sufficient. When I thought needing or wanting something would cause stress, I’d tried to either meet the need myself, or to be content without. What I learned having Corbin was that with an infant self-sufficiency could only take me so far. I needed more of Brian, and not just practical help. What I needed from Brian was security that our growing family would be okay. Unaware at the time, my focus on Brian was increasing. How he spent his time mattered more, his emotional well-being mattered more, I needed him more. As my focus increased there grew a tension between us, and we began to withdraw from each other.

With my first, there were countless nights where I would be alone in our bedroom trying to help Corbin fall asleep, and thinking about all the ways Brian “needed” to change. This is described in Bowen theory as an anxious focus. An anxious focus can take many forms, but the crux of it is that much of your life energy is directed toward a real or perceived problem in the relationship system (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). I reacted to this by giving unsolicited advice and withdrawing when he would be distressed.

At the time, I noticed my thinking about Brian, and what he should be doing, but I was not observing this from the broader systems perspective yet. Fast forward one year and I enrolled in the Center for Family Consultation’s Post Graduate Training program. This helped me to step back and see my anxious focus and the fusion with Brian. It became clearer what I was doing: trying to convince Brian to solve his problems and do it MY way. I began to put in effort to interrupt my thinking about him, catch myself as soon as possible when anxiously relating to him, and learn to become more tolerant of his moods. This helped to reduce our distance and be in more comfortable contact.

Having Jacob brought back my anxious focus, but this time I noticed my worry was more directed at Corbin. Though we prepared for me to take a step back, I did not realize how taxing it would be for me to do this. It was physically painful to give space so Brian and Corbin could figure out how to work together. Here I am, again, sitting alone focused on Brian. This time I am with Jacob, and this time it is about Brian’s parenting and Corbin’s well-being.

Thankfully, because of the work I have done already, I caught this sooner. I went back to my strategies to disrupt, interrupt, and tolerate. I took it a step further this time. Still in the training program, I was reminded that humans are wired for resilience. I pushed myself to see Corbin as resilient, and saw many ways in which he was. His mood would bounce back from “sad” or “angry” quickly, and not need much help from us to do so. The help Corbin needed was for his parents to be calmer than him.

I reminded myself of the importance of not mediating Brian and Corbin’s relationship. In the “Parent Hope” a podcast interview with Daniel Papero, PhD, MSW, he stated, “I think a child can deal with one parent, they can’t deal with two.” When the other parent becomes involved or is pulled in, tension rises. It becomes two against one. I shifted my energy to being interested in Brian’s parenting ideas and strategies. What I have gained from this was the freedom to invest more energy toward bonding with Jacob and meeting his needs. What a special baby boy I have, and I am enjoying my time with him so much!

This is where we are on our journey. And I believe signs point toward my family adapting well enough. I am grateful for Bowen theory for giving me a lens to observe and navigate this stage of life, and for my faith as a place I can direct my worries toward, which provides relief and clarity over how I want to proceed.