Authored by Leslie Ann Fox, M.A., CFC Faculty

Summer 2025 has arrived. The beach, hiking trails, travel adventures and more beckon us. Unexpected upheaval and uncertainty gripped many countries around the world this past year. The time for some genuine rest and relaxation is overdue. Though CFC cannot offer you a day or week or month off, we have chosen a topic for our annual one-day Summer Conference this year that may get your mind off of the societal stressors for a day, and redirect your focus inward. While the conference focuses on how one bridges existing generational cutoffs, this essay is an example of a case study of an individual who inherits a position in a triangle after someone has died. The question is, must one inevitably accept that inheritance, and continue to amplify the anxiety in the system, or can one member of the new triangle avert the cutoff, thereby avoiding a downward spiral into a cutoff that will impact future generations of the family?

How innocently we unintentionally inherit positions in family triangles when someone dies. Growing up in the 1950s was the good fortune of Ann. Her parents had grown up during the great depression and married just two years before World War II began. Their first child, a son, was born just before the war started, and Ann was born 7 years later, a few years after it ended. By then, the family was finally settled into their own home. Her dad had joined his family’s business, and her mom was an active stay-at-home mom. She returned part-time to the work place when Ann was nine years old.

During the next 25 years Ann was aware of minimal drama and strife in her family of origin and their extended families. Her dad’s family lived nearby, and gathered regularly for holidays, and other special occasions. Her mom’s parents and 3 siblings lived 800 miles away. Ann’s family drove to see them once or twice a year. Some of her mom’s family members visited her from time to time as well.  Her dad’s parents had died before Ann was born. Her mom’s mother died when Ann was 3 years old, so she knew only one grandfather, mainly through letters they exchanged and the occasional visits each year until he died during her senior year in college.

Tragedy struck 3 years after Ann graduated college when her mom’s younger brother, age forty-three, died unexpectedly. There was shock and profound grief throughout the family. The uncle, a youngest, was adored by the whole family. Within four years her mom developed multiple myeloma, and died 5 years later, at the age of 62. Her mom’s two sisters, one 18 months older than her, and one 4 years younger both lived to be 97. Ann was 34 when her mom died, and little did Ann realize that she inherited her mom’s outside position in an active triangle of her mom and two aunts.

What did that triangle look like? Ann’s mom and her older sister had a conflictual relationship pattern during their childhood, which continued though adulthood until shortly before Ann’s mom died. Though close in age, Ann’s mom resented that their immigrant parents relied on the oldest daughter to help them learn English and navigate the school system and certain other requirements of living in a large city. Ann’s mom was seen by her older sister as the favorite child, the one who didn’t have so much responsibility. The two younger siblings looked up to both of the older ones.

During visits to her mom’s family while Ann was growing up, they always stayed with her mom’s younger sister and her family. They would also see the older aunt during a visit, but as a child Ann was most interested in playing with her cousins. She didn’t get to know her older aunt as well as she did the younger one, whose house she slept at during the visits.

After college Ann had a career that required frequent travel, and was often in the area where her two aunts lived. She always stayed with the younger aunt when her mom was alive, and continued that pattern after her mom died.

Seven years later, Ann began to study Bowen theory. As part of her family of origin work, she began to look at relationships in her extended families. She met with each surviving aunt and uncle to learn more about the lives of her parents when they were growing up. On her mom’s side she became especially curious about the relationship between her mother and her older sister. As she was developing her family diagram, she started first by interviewing the younger aunt to find out family history in the grandparent and great grandparent generations. She thought it was fascinating and was able to corroborate the accuracy of facts with her other aunt, and a variety of other sources, such as her parents’ first and second cousins, and old family friends.

Then she finally got the courage to ask the younger aunt about “the triangle”. Her aunt was so relieved that she asked, because she had close relationships to both of her sisters, and had always believed she was caught in the middle of their conflicts. The big issue in their adult years was that Ann’s mom always stayed at her younger sister’s house when she came to visit; and that was what Ann was doing as an adult as well. The younger aunt told Ann that she always got an “earful” after Ann left!  Her older aunt was hurt and disappointed that Ann never stayed with her, nor did she spend much time doing things together when she was in town. Ann was astonished by this new information. It wasn’t intentional. She was on “auto-pilot, still seeing the family through her mother’s eyes, and assuming she knew what was expected.

She decided to slowly make more of an effort to spend time with the older aunt when visiting, and eventually called her and asked if she could stay with her on a specific weekend that she was going to be in her area. Her aunt accepted with alacrity! They gradually started getting to know each other better, talking on the phone more often, and eventually developed a regular correspondence over email. Ann found her aunt to be interesting, with a wicked sense of humor. They had many fun times together over the years.

Now, 35+ years since Ann de-triangled, she recently returned from an annual trip with her two cousins; each one a daughter of one of the two aunts. All three cousins live in different cities. They see each other at extended family events. However, in addition to those contacts, the three of them schedule annual getaways just for the three of them every year or so.  The inherited triangle is a lot less anxious in their generation.

The three women also involve other cousins if they happen to travel near their homes on one of their special trips. This is an example of a case study in which at least one potential “cutoff” was averted, that of cousin Ann. Changing the family dynamic even more, by involving other cousins and children of cousins from time to time may also be helping foster multi-generational maturity and resilience rather than new anxious cutoffs.